Posted 20 hours ago

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

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These days, self-help books are a dime a dozen and so often seem to be filled with myopic, impractical “advice” rife with wishful thinking on the part of their authors, it’s become both shocking and refreshing to run into a self-help book that actually helps. The comments made about me and my work seem to come from assumptions rather than any informed considerations. And it seems your argument is that this very small possibility of reconciliation (of which, I'm skeptical how successful it truly is, but that is another issue) justifies seducing as many faithful spouses as possible into the attempt to reconcile. this is because betrayed people who have had their personal dignity violated are very susceptible to hate contagion. The fact is, you can't stop him from cheating any more than you could make him cheat in the first place.

It simply takes the basic, generally-accepted tenets of self-respect and applies them (gasp) to the world of divorce. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing.But what about the many couples I know (including ones I've worked with) who are now years past the infidelity and are experiencing marriages that are connected and satisfying to both of them? And it has lifted that shame, because unlike so many resources it resists (in fact, it delivers a swift kick in the balls to) the compulsion to blame the hurt person for the selfish, ugly actions of the person they trusted most in the world. I never thought I would be a cheater, yet I became one many, many years into a marriage that in hindsight had some vulnerabilities.

I am certainly not her target audience, but I have never been able to relate to the Chump Lady because she puts everyone who had an affair into one big narcissistic, sex-seeking pile. It’s a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book in which one choice was eliminated for you, but other choices remain. I am ready to take back my life from my using, abusing, narcissistic husband and life it to the full again.When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters,their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. Unfortunately, we live in a world of cheater-pologists who denounce such “black-and-white thinking” on the matter and insist there are good reasons for cheating and both partners must be at fault, just like we live in a world of people who like to ask rape victims what they were wearing. I mentioned in my review of the original self-published book that I thought the book had some flaws; one has been remedied and one is still there. I was in two minds of whether to review this publicly, because the title tells you a lot about the reader.

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