Listen: A powerful new book about life, death, relationships, mental health and how to talk about what matters – from the Sunday Times bestselling author ... to Find the Words for Tender Conversations

Product Information

Tried and tested approaches can help to smooth the way. Here are 10 useful tips from my experience as a psychotherapist and doctor, developed while working in some of the highest-stakes discussions – the tender conversations taking place as people face the end of life. These principles apply whether you are chatting in person, over the phone or during a video call. You can even use them in text message conversations.

This is one of those books about listening that should be in every school, workplace, every home. It will also give you the confidence in your newly found listening skills to approach friends, family, or even strangers and ask them the three little words that can make such a difference to a person's life: Are you alright? When you reach a good stopping point, say something like: “There’s lots to talk about. Shall we leave it there and chat again tomorrow/next week?” Listen to understand Like her first book, Listen offers the reader insight and comfort and a useful tool in each individual’s attempt to be supportive when confronted with difficult conversations and situations. I heartily recommend it. Mannix tries to begin all tender conversations by inviting the other person to the conversation. Sitting down and offering a warm beverage is a way of doing this. It puts your humanity front and centre. This is a particularly important gesture when there is a power imbalance, she says. It's a way of breaking out of a professional role: "It is a signal that we are now becoming people with each other." She says offering a cup of coffee or tea is a way of saying, "I'm here with you." 2. A conversation should be like a dance From the bestselling author of With the End in Mind, this is a book about the conversations that matter and how to have them better – more honestly, more confidently and without regret.Respecting silence can be a challenge if there are several people in the conversation. You may need to be explicit, saying: “Let’s give each other time to think” or “I think we need a moment of quiet now”. Support, don’t ‘fix’ As well as what to do, Mannix draws our attention on things to avoid, such as judgementalism, suspending any different values, and not insisting but inviting a conversation. There is a necessary and particular focus on steering away from the idea of 'fixing' the problems of others, sometimes things cannot be fixed, and anyway answers must come from those who own their specific issues, they must be the architects of their own solutions. Difficult conversations can be a minefield of high emotions, disorientation and distress, requiring sensitivity to the perspectives, pain and vulnerability of others and the need to have the talk at an appropriate time and in a safe place. Prescriptive methodologies are to be avoided, instead curiosity, deeper listening and open exploration are the key for understanding and becoming better at having those challenging conversations.

So that's my list of books about listening that I have found useful. The difference between active vs passive listening is that we don't just sit there nodding, never responding or asking questions. We engage with the speaker, showing empathy and understanding and letting them know that we are present and aware. Instead of dispensing advice, she advises to ask open-ended questions, such as, "Do you have any information about this situation? Have you ever dealt with a problem like that in the past? If a friend had a problem like this, what would you advise them to do? What worries you the most about the situation?" Help name someone's worst fear and give them space to hold it, she says. 4. Never use the phrase, "At least…"

"We all have moments when words fail us."

Our ability to remain alongside as they experience their emotional storm does not lessen their distress, but it prevents the additional pain of feeling abandoned in a place of suffering.” In ‘Listen: How to find the words for tender conversations’, Dr Kathryn Mannix suggests that while there is no single ‘right way’ to break unwelcome news, there are wrong ways, which are not just about the words we use. Instead of offering a script, Mannix uses stories – some from her own experiences, others fictional – to review and discuss some key principles and skills for those tasked with such difficult conversations.

What I loved about the examples shown and Mannix illustrations is the importance of letting the speaker explore their own options and keep their own autonomy. Sometimes asking questions is far more beneficial than offering solutions (which in likelihood the other person has already thought of). Listening is something I believe I'm good at - I've completed a basic counselling course, and still remember some of the basics. I like to try and pay attention when someone is talking, trying not to interrupt and to be active and ask questions. But after reading these books, I realise that listening skills are a tool that I need to continually sharpen, and I have a lot of learning to do, and definitely need to read a few more books on active listening. It helped me to make so much sense of why I am drawn to certain types of people and can be both vulnerable and built up in their presence, while I automatically shut down in front of others. It gave some great vocabulary for patterns of communication I’ve seen over the years. Mannix compares these tender conversations to two people dancing. One person leads, but never forces. There is a constant rebalancing and give-and-take. Asking questions can be a way of opening up someone to a possibility. In this way, the leader's role flips. They become the listener and can guide the conversation to where it needs to go. 3. Be curious, open-minded and humble

Be compassionate for her situation but do not make the mistake of asking yourself how the situation would affect you if she were your sister, your friend, yourself. Your own sorrows will come in good time; don't be in a hurry for them.’