The ADHD Effect on Marriage: Understand and Rebuild Your Relationship in Six Steps

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The ADHD Effect on Marriage helps couples understand why things never seem to get better, no matter how hard they try - and how to change that, not by "trying harder," but by "trying differently" so they can renew their love and joy. One method couples can adopt to support communication and connection is learning conversations. This mirroring exercise facilitates sharing ideas and needs with each other without any suggestion of problem-solving. Rather, it’s about understanding why a particular activity or scenario is difficult or painful. When frustration and tension take root in a relationship, it’s easy to fall out of love with your partner, even if you still love them. You might long for the fun that was part of your early romance, or wish that you felt happy when your partner walked through the door – even if they managed to forget the bread yet again! Personal boundaries help you find the line between moderating who you are to support a relationship, and compromising yourself to the point that you behave in unhealthy ways. To find that line, you need to know which boundaries are most important to you and which ones have enough flexibility, so that you can bend without breaking.

The only advice in this book I found helpful was reinforcement that marriage meetings should be happening once or twice a week, and the use of index cards to support the “ADHD partner” index card system. With ADHD Marriage Consulting you receive personalized support for repairing and invigorating your relationship from a team of professionals who are expert in how ADHD does – and does not – affect couples and individuals. ADHD Marriage Consulting is NOT medical advice, and it is not therapy. For medical advice, please see your doctor. Do you have questions? Want to start? Then, consider where your personal boundaries are at the moment. What’s different now? Are some boundaries missing? If you could adopt them, what would they be? Something resembling the Gottman's weekends and therapist training is needed to offer a lifeline to the many couples headed for divorce unnecessarily, if they just had help. Interactive settings are often much better in getting through to ADHD folks than books. Having a respected presenter say the same things the non-ADHD partner is trying to express should increase credibility, and open the door to understanding. Books are simply not enough. A non-profit method to provide this help to lower income folks would have a huge impact. Understanding that ADHD is a different way of being – one that requires empathy, not fixing – is the starting point. Reflecting on how and when ADHD shows up in your relationship is the next. Once you’ve done this, you’re in a position to begin your six-step journey to rebuilding your relationship. If you and your partner follow this framework, your relationship will transform into one where you can thrive – both as individuals and as a couple. Ready to start your journey to a happier life? Let’s begin!To demonstrate how this method works, let’s explore it through an imaginary couple – Alex and Beth. Say Beth feels upset by something Alex said to her – a common habit of people with low impulse control. Melissa describes a lot of the destructive patterns I have wrestled with myself over the years as either my partners or myself has been noticing and suffering under in an ADHD relationship - especially the parent/child dynamic and the ensuing anger/resentment that follows it and many more of the core dynamics which is active in an untreated relation between a couple where one or both suffer from this diagnosis. Step 6: Reigniting Romance and Having Some Fun - the science and the fun stuff (p. 199. Audio 9. Kindle loc. 3297) Why wait until your therapist tells you to buy this book? Buy it now and save yourselves a lot of pain and money. This book will help you to make your ADHD marriage work better so you can both have a happy, healthy lifetime of love." Step 4: Improving Communication - communication techniques that work when ADHD is present (p. 165. Audio 7. Kindle loc. 2744)

Create a plan to reach long-term goals for your relationship that aligns with who you are as individuals

The book goes on and on about how hard it is to live with someone with ADHD and not enough about how to make it easier. It just leaves me feeling helpless, hopeless, and ashamed of myself. I really had a lot higher hopes for this book after hearing others swear by it. I think from now on, I'll only take book recommendations from people who actually have ADHD. So in 2007 I started this blog and forum with Dr. Hallowell to share what I had learned. This information is important, marriage-saving information. Why should you have to figure it out on your own and reinvent the wheel? This book is my organized way of collecting the most important things that you need to know to not only identify the patterns that ADHD creates in your marriage but what you need to both survive and then thrive the way my husband and I did. One way to cultivate empathy in your relationship is through letter writing. If you have ADHD, write a letter to your partner explaining what it’s like to live with your mile-a-minute brain. Stay focused on your experiences and feelings, not your marriage or relationship. This will offer your partner a glimpse of what you deal with every day, explaining that your behaviors aren’t the result of laziness or self-interest. Use your letter as a way to start a conversation where both of you can be curious about the other’s perspective in an open, non-judgmental way.

First, The author is not a licensed therapist or qualified counselor. She is not a mental health, psychological or behavioral professional. She has good intentions in this book, but unfortunately intentions do little to protect or assist people in need of support in relationships. Will help validate and clarify relationship struggles. It will help clarify that you’re not crazy as the none ADHD spouse Why should you read the first? Because about 90% of “The ADHD effect on marriage” actually describes abusive behavior. I bought "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" because my ADHD daughter is about to be married. I didn't have to read much of the book to realize that my children's dad is also ADHD. The problems in my marriage and subsequent divorce wreaked havoc in my life and the lives of my ex-husband and children, who continue to be impacted today in their adult lives. Melissa Orlov has written a very knowledgeable, honest, practical, compassionate, and positive book in which neither the ADHD partner nor the non-ADHD partner is considered flawed or wrong. Her empathetic approach encourages the couple to hear and be heard in a manner that enables them to reconnect and work out their problems together. She also offers specific ideas and techniques for doing so. Furthermore, reading her book is like sitting around the kitchen table, talking with a friend. Ms. Orlov not only knows her subject inside and out, but has lived it and successfully turned her own marriage around. If we had read this book thirty years ago, four lives would have evolved quite differently. I am passing the book to my children so that we can make the most of the present and future even though we can't change the past. Step 5: Setting Boundaries and Finding Your Own Voices - using your "best self" to reinvigorate your life (p. 187. Audio 8. Kindle loc. 3112)I was wanting to find out more about ADHD in general and how if effects people, and this was the first book that popped up on Hoopla for me. Keep in mind that boundaries aren’t a wish list, they’re values to guide your own behavior. It may take you time to hit on what’s really essential, so test out different scenarios until you find what lets you be your best self. Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CB Melissa Orlov is the author of two award-winning books on the impact of ADHD in relationships - The ADHD Effect on Marriage (2010) and The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD (2014, with Nancie Kohlenberger) and is considered one of the foremost authorities on the topic. A marriage consultant, Melissa helps ADHD-affected couples from around the world rebalance their relationships and learn to thrive. She also teaches mental health professionals about effective marriage therapy for couples impacted by ADHD. Orlov blogs for Psychology Today and at www.adhdmarriage.com, where she also hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. She has been interviewed by the New York Times, CNN, Today, US News and World Report, CBS, AOL, the American Psychological Association Monitor and many others. Ms. Orlov is a cum laude graduate of Harvard College.) This book provides an incredibly valuable service to those struggling in a marriage with ADHD. Written by someone who has been there and knows firsthand how ADHD can disrupt a marriage, it will help couples truly understand ADHD, realize they are not alone, and teach them what specifically can be done to align together as a team to turn things around. Ms. Orlov has done a wonderful job of providing knowledge, awareness, and hope to those who sorely need it."

Consider treatments to manage ADHD characteristics. Medications, skills training, and psychotherapy can help manage different aspects of adult ADHD, such as impulsivity, disorganization, and poor motivation. Encourage your partner to consider talking to their doctor about steps they can take to manage some of these characteristics. To capitalize on this and inject some fun into your relationship, do something silly together, like going to an amusement park, or having a silly string fight. Spontaneity is a gift that ADHD brings, one that often draws people to those with ADHD in the first place. Make space for that spontaneity in your relationship by factoring in time together that isn’t overly planned. But the author have no mention whatsoever of how ADHD in males versus females express itself. And she uses the ADD/ADHD terms like the wind blows (or so it seems) If you are reading my review and either one or. Out of you have adhd in your marriage. This is a really solid plan that sounds like it's going to work!Millions of adults with ADHD struggle to overcome their inattention, procrastination, impulsivity, and distractibility. Yet few realize that after they marry, these same symptoms can severely affect their loved ones, often with disastrous results. Melissa Orlov offers a unique and refreshing approach to helping ADHD couples understand the underlying issues caused by ADHD that can negatively impact their relationship. Her methods are built upon years of experience and offer couples hope and guidance. Most importantly, her strategies prepare them to make smart choices to build happier, healthier futures. This book is long overdue and much needed!" Still, I have found the words to explain a lot of things to my non-ADHD partner that have helped us some. But is it REALLY necessary to gender the hypothetical partners? Never heard of "they"? Even "he or she" would be miles better. Really, really distracting for me, especially as a trans person. Having newly been diagnosed with ADHD myself I have been where some of those couples are. Still - Melissa approach the content mostly from the POV that it's the male who has ADHD and how the female suffers. Step 1: Cultivating Empathy for Your Spouse - stories from real life and what they mean for you (p. 79. Audio 4. Kindle loc. 1403) The book has left the feeling that people with ADHD should avoid relationships all together and spend life alone. (Based on the first 4 hours of the same message)