The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing, Reclaim Your Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want: A Simple Plan to Stop People ... Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want

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Other Gooders arrived at playing this role as a response to being inadequately parented and supported, or because they internalized the belief that there was something inherently not good enough about them that they had to compensate for or erase with gooding. In some instances, people assumed the worst about them or had low expectations based on stereotypes, projections, or unfair comparisons—such as assuming they wouldn’t amount to anything because of their race, weight, ability, or location—and their whole life has subconsciously been about trying to disprove those assumptions. Because Gooders are essentially trying to fix a problem they don’t have (unworthiness or being at fault for other people’s feelings and behavior) with a solution they don’t need (their own goodness), it reinforces the belief that they’re never quite enough. Even though people haven’t necessarily said that the Gooder has to comply, because they’ve never really engaged in critical thinking about their own needs, wants, and expectations, they experience what can become overwhelming anxiety about not only not doing what others want but also keeping up with people’s expectations and appearing happy about it. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to do things for others, but know your “why.” The way you feel, as well as your patterns, outcomes, and results, tell you something about the integrity of your yes. You must learn to be responsible for and with your yes so that your yes doesn’t have to be accompanied by decimating your well-being in the process. Identifying your style isn’t about defining and pigeonholing you; it’s understanding where you try to fit in and how your upbringing and emotional baggage manifest themselves in how you suppress and repress your needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions so that you can liberate yourself from the pattern.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People-Pleasing

My workload soon started to get out of hand. I was making so many promises that I couldn’t remember who I was letting down from one day to the next. Every time the phone rang or my inbox pinged, it was another person asking for help or chasing up the help they had already solicited. My wonderful portfolio career, filled with interesting and engaging projects, had turned into a roll call of accusations. All the individual projects seemed to merge into a ball of pain. I realised I had developed a subconscious animosity towards the people for whom I was working. Instead of being clients or colleagues, they had become an annoyance. Gooding is the image- and reputation-management style of people pleasing that focuses on trying to influence and control other people’s feelings and behavior by performing at being a good person to create self-worth and earn the right to meet needs and wants. Your boundaries are your needs, desires, expectations, feelings, and opinions because these represent who you are and how you want to be, your values, preferences, principles, and priorities for living your life happily and authentically. They are your yes, no, and maybe, so in essence, the more you represent who you are by showing up and stepping up authentically and honestly, the healthier your boundaries are. If you’re not authentically saying yes and saying no when you need, should, or want to, you become incongruent with your values because you are not embodying your character or honoring your preferences and priorities. As we can’t each automatically see at a glance what the lengths and breadths of a person’s boundaries are, the only way in which you can have boundaries is to know and communicate them through what you say and do (or what you opt not to). selectedStore.City }}, {{ selectedStore.State }} {{ selectedStore.Country }} {{ selectedStore.Zip }}Social media and the internet have made it so much easier for us to compare ourselves, to think we need to be more, do more, and buy more, and we’re exhausted by trying to keep up with the expectations.

The Joy of Saying No | Natalie Lue | download on Z-Library The Joy of Saying No | Natalie Lue | download on Z-Library

While some instances of people pleasing are obvious because we know that we’re doing something to be liked, allergic to saying no, praise hungry, or maybe behaving like a performing seal on steroids, many of our people-pleasing habits are out of view yet insidious, such as the following: Sometimes when we realise that we’re not being treated right despite not having done anything wrong and all our pleasing effort, we hang around waiting for the other party to see the error of their ways. It’s as if we hope we’ll create a tipping point of people pleasing where they spontaneously combust into someone else. But waiting around for someone to do the right thing causes us to do the wrong thing by and to ourselves. Instead of waiting, we can say no to anymore of their shenanigans and choose love, care, trust and respect for ourselves in the process.

You don’t need to keep proving yourself or trying to earn their approval, and whoever you first learned to do this with taught you to believe you *had* to be a people pleaser. If you have a parent, friend, *someone* in your life that feels perpetually disappointed in you and maybe even feels entitled to make their feelings and issues your problem, it’s okay to say no to this malarkey. It’s not that they don’t care about what others think or that they don’t share your wants or fears—they do—but they’re not driven by people pleasing, and so they have a greater sense of who they are, including what they need, want, expect, feel, and think. As a result, they’re more inclined to let their values and boundaries guide them rather than shoulds, rules, and their perceptions of other people’s feelings and behavior. In instances where with the benefit of hindsight they realize that something didn’t work for them and was problematic or harmful in some way because, you know, they’re human, they allow themselves to learn from that. I am also learning not to talk myself into more work. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should. It is great to be helpful, but there is a value in sitting on your hands and biting your lip. There are people doing the same or similar to you, such as helping out, working hard, wanting to do good things, and feeling uncomfortable about inconveniencing or disappointing people, but they don’t come from a place of fear, guilt, obligation, or feeling unworthy. They’re aware of their motivations, and in situations where their actions and choices or other people’s expectations and requests impact their well-being or are straight-up harmful, inappropriate, or unnecessary, they consider themselves. They’ll say no if they need to, want to, or should. They have assertive, active responses. Calling yourself too sensitive, needy, selfish, and difficult, because you feel uncomfortable and increasingly resentful about the friend who repeatedly dumps on you while never taking an interest in what’s going on in your life.

The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop [PDF] [EPUB] The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop

I fear that I’m not good enough, and I blame it for other people’s feelings and behavior or life not going my way. When someone shows you who they are that’s *information*, not judgment of how “good” you’ve been or the effort you’ve made. It’s also not a punishment. Everything you do is about trying to meet needs: the things you need to be, do, and have not merely to survive but thrive. The healthier your boundaries, the more you’ll meet your needs because you’re owning and being yourself, so allowing yourself to say no allows you to fill up the void of the unmet needs that you’ve been (ineffectively) using people pleasing to meet. Full Book Name: The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want This means that whatever your style of people pleasing and how frequent it is, your people pleasing is driven by hidden motivations. You’re not doing something because it represents your true values and intentions and how you feel but because of what you’re trying to get or avoid.The habits of thinking and behavior we default to became roles, functions we play in our interpersonal relationships that become our everyday masks and costumes. This “part” that we believed we had to adopt and play was a response to the dynamics of our childhood environments. We made it our jobs to be and do certain things, and we derive our worth from our role(s), using them to fit in and make us feel needed, purposeful, and safe even though, because they’re based on childlike reasoning and habits, they also keep us small. PDF / EPUB File Name: The_Joy_of_Saying_No_-_Natalie_Lue.pdf, The_Joy_of_Saying_No_-_Natalie_Lue.epub