Daring To Take Up Space

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Personally, I think the passion for an extraordinary life, and the courage to pursue it, is what makes us special. And I don’t even think of it as an “extraordinary life” anymore so much as simple happiness. It’s rarer than it should be, and I believe it comes from creating a life that fits you perfectly, not taking what’s already there, but making your own from scratch. Taking up space” can be benign, beneficial, or toxic. For instance, it is natural for a leader or expert in a group to take up space, so they are heard and respected. At the same time, someone can take up space in a toxic way, such as always dominating conversations, excluding others, acting contemptuously, etc. When people take up more space than is necessary, they communicate that they are superior and that their needs are always more important than others. The truth is that many people who have been told that they are wrong or “too much” have developed a strong negativity bias— they almost always hear only the negative and blow it up, neglecting other factors.

People unable to take up space often experience heightened social anxiety because they find unstructured situations intimidating. When there is no clear objective or rules to a situation, they would not know what to say or do, and if they do not know how to please the other person, they would feel lost.

Do You Take Up Space?

Ultimately authenticity is the only way you can genuinely connect with others — how can others relate to you and build a deep connection with you if they never hear what you feel and want?

If you were parentified by vulnerable and needy parents, you might internalize the unconscious belief that you are loved not for who you are but for what you can do for others. This can bring a lifelong struggle for unconditional love and acceptance of yourself. You are allowed to take up space. Own who you are and what you want for yourself. Stop downplaying the things you care about, the hopes you have. Own your passions, your thoughts, your perceptions. Own your fire. Stop putting your worth in the hands of others; stop letting them decide your value. Own saying no, saying yes. Own your mood, your feelings. Own your plans, your path, your success.” One reason parents silence gifted children is to protect their siblings. This can happen in various ways but often includes the idea that the gifted child must not stand out or be arrogant. As a result, the gifted child is not allowed to participate in more challenging work or activities, not praised for their accomplishments, or even hidden from other family members. Being authentic means your words reflect who you are, not who you think you should be. This requires you to let go of the worry about how others see you, which can feel uncomfortable. But when you realise that no matter how hard you try, you can never control how others perceive you, you may feel free to follow your heart and express yourself anyway. When someone cannot take up space and talk about themselves, they sacrifice their ability to relate to others. Because they cannot talk about themselves or express negative emotions, it is difficult for others to get to know them in an authentic way. The inability to take up space is why many trauma survivors feel alone in life. Even when surrounded by people, they feel unseen, unheard, as if they are all alone. In other words, they are shutting the doorway to genuine intimacy by not taking up space.

Where Do You Begin to Take Up Space?

Another reason parents suppress a gifted child’s ability to shine is that they feel intimidated. If you were a gifted child – whether intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually – your parents may not have intended to hurt you, and they may not have been aware that they were constantly silencing you. But because they were uncomfortable being seen through and confronted continuously with your radical honesty, they tried subtly or explicitly to keep you from voicing your views. Moreover, if they do not have a good relationship with their emotional world, your strong emotions and intensity may also be felt as a threat to them. So, to protect themselves, they make you think that you are in the wrong for showing your feelings and speaking your truth. Because you have internalized the message that your natural self is a threat to others and that your parents would “love you less” if you continue to take up space, you have been conditioned to mute yourself. When a parent is emotionally volatile, they naturally take up all the emotional space at home. On the outside, they may be charming and sociable, but their colourful personality and exciting life come at a cost for their children. They constantly have some kind of big ups or downs, drama or intense conflicts that demands attention, leaving no room for a child to express their needs. Suppose you have to strive to prove your worthiness constantly. In that case, it will be challenging for you to be playful, spontaneous, or creative, relax in relationships, and produce original, impactful work. When we speak of space, we usually refer to the physical territory occupied by an individual or group. But space is not only physical; it can also be psychological, emotional and relational. Psychological space is the “real estate” we use to express our thoughts and feelings. Taking up space is essential to our well-being and can be used to protect us from intrusion and boundary violations. In a relational field, we might take up space by drawing attention to ourselves and being the centre of attention, talking about ourselves in conversations, using our posture to exude confidence, looking others in the eye, expressing a strong emotion, expressing a strong opinion, etc. When someone takes up space, they assert their presence and confidence, honing their voice and protecting themselves from intrusions from others. The world at large has this attitude, “What makes you so special that you think you deserve an extraordinary life?”

Many people who have not known how to take up space for years feel empty and lost in their identity. You may think you need to know who you are and feel secure before expressing yourself or socialising. However, if you wait until you are ready, you may never be. Some people may think that taking up space is “selfish”, but in reality, taking up space is a sign of healthy strength and self-confidence. It allows you to be received by others and manifest your gifts. By taking up space, you say, “I am here and will not be ignored.” There was my craving to be liked – so strong and nervous that never could I open myself friendly to another. The terror of failure in an effort so important made me shrink from trying; besides, there was the standard; for intimacy seemed shameful unless the other could make the perfect reply, in the same language, after the same method, for the same reasons’ -T. E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of WisdomThis feeling that you are only loved for your utility may also cause social anxiety. If you do not believe you can be loved only for who you are, you would feel you must always be doing something not to be rejected and abandoned by the world. This can mean you find it challenging to sit in silence. You would not know how to be helpful when there is no structure or direction. You feel lost and are confronted with the deep emptiness within you. You may describe it as “awkward” or “uncomfortable” when in reality, you might be faced with deeprooted shame feelings from your past— the shame of not being able to do anything useful for your parents, the shame of not being able to save your parents from the abusive partner or the alcoholic spouse, etc. There was no reason to be ashamed; of course, it was never your job to save your parents from their dysfunctions and unhappy lives, but as a child, you assumed those were your responsibilities. It was your way of loving them. Since there was no one to comfort your young soul and let you know it was not your fault, you have internalized the feeling that no matter how much you do, you aren’t good enough. If your parents are emotionally volatile, violent or abusive, you would have trained your nervous system to be constantly on high alert. You are trained to act solely based on what you see in your parents’ expressions. If you had the impression that your parents wanted you to laugh, you laughed. If you had the impression that your anger inconveniences them, you would suppress it. You would have done everything possible to keep the peace, not stir up conflicts or bring punishment onto yourself. If you carry this conditioning into adulthood, you will not know what to do in an organic relational space. So if you are with someone you cannot ‘read’ or who does not seem to tell you what to do, it would bring you deep anxiety.